“Let deacons each be the husband of one wife, managing their children and their own households well. For those who serve well as deacons gain a good standing for themselves and also great confidence in the faith that is in Christ Jesus.” 1 Timothy 3:12-13 (ESV)
Have you ever witnessed someone who gave everything they had to good works? I don’t mean in the “Wow, look what they did for God” sense, but in the sense that they focused solely on the work they were doing, to the exclusion of their spouse and family? Too many well-intentioned Christians have neglected their families, opening the door to affairs, divorce, rebellious kids, and loved ones who abandon the faith altogether.
We walk a very fine line as Christ-followers. Jesus tells us that our love for our family should look like hatred in comparison to our love for Him1, that we should forsake all of our earthly relationships for the sake of His2. But at the same time, for those of us who are married and have families, He’s also laid a responsibility on us to steward our marriages well and to raise godly children who honor Him3. So, what do we make of it?
Paul’s words here to Timothy give us some indication of how we should live this out. As the early church sought deacons and leaders, they were careful to choose men who had stewarded their first responsibilities well, men who were faithful and loving to their wives, and whose children were being brought up with intention in the faith4. In other words, they still had a primary responsibility to the family God had entrusted them with, even before they could step into a ministry role.
Several years ago, my husband went back to school to get his teaching license. In his first year of teaching full-time, as he gained his footing in a fourth-grade classroom, I stepped into a new role as a neonatal intensive care nurse educator. In addition to increasing my work hours and learning the ropes of that job, I was required to complete further schooling. The months that followed were some of the busiest, most stressful months of our lives as we juggled two new full-time jobs, higher education, three small children, and a host of ministries we were each involved in.
We all only have so many hours in a day, and only so much capacity. In that season, all of ours went to the kids, the work, the ministry… and none of it to our marriage. We drifted apart, feeling more and more disconnected from one another. Our conversations became functional, comparing schedules and planning who would need to be where, when. We were short with each other and we argued more than we ever had in the twelve years of our marriage leading up to that point.
One night, after a particularly tense evening, we sat down on the end of our bed. Our kids were taking showers and getting ready for bed just outside our open door, but we sat there, staring into the distance. The silence was almost unbearable. It wasn’t the comfortable silence we’d often shared, but one that spoke of just how far apart we really were. I felt desperate for connection, for something to bridge the gap we were both feeling between us. I needed to know we’d make it through this.
So I asked, “Are we okay?”
My husband’s answer hit us both with enough force to knock the wind out of us.
“I don’t know.”
We had been pouring ourselves out, giving literally everything we had to all the good things in our lives—things God was using. But we had neglected our family’s foundation, our marriage. The thing God had entrusted us with first, to steward and nurture so that it could support the weight of all the rest.
And our foundation was crumbling.
Thankfully, that two-question conversation was enough to help us see that we needed a change. We developed a new mantra that we’ve returned to again and again in the years since, “Too much of a good thing is still too much.”
We prayerfully looked at our lives and our schedules and asked God to show us what things were important to keep in that season, and what things we could let go to make space for each other5. We each stepped down from some ministries we really loved and believed in. We cut back on many of our social activities. We made space earlier in the day and on set evenings for schoolwork so that we could have the bulk of our evenings together. It was hard work, work that came with sacrifice—even sacrificing good, God-honoring things. But it was necessary.
Our marriage has thankfully healed, but we learned an important lesson in that season. God does want us to live lives of ministry, to serve Him and reflect Him to others—but the good things cannot come at the expense of the families He’s entrusted to us. We’re responsible for managing all that He’s given us well, and that includes our marriages6.
How is your balance these days? I invite you to sit with your spouse and be honest. Is there room for your marriage and family, or have they been crowded out by good things? If your life feels too full, maybe it’s time to sit with your calendar in prayer and ask God to reveal those things you can let go so that you can be faithful with the most precious things He’s entrusted to you: your marriage and family. There may be seasons in the future when you can pick those good things up again, but you won’t get this time with your family back. Don’t miss it for the sake of goodness out there—steward the goodness in your own home first.
This chapter appears in my marriage devotional, For Us, which weaves together Scripture, personal experiences, and threads from my fictional stories. It’s available as a free gift for newsletter subscribers.
1. Luke 14:26
2. Luke 14:33
3. Ephesians 5:25, 1 Timothy 3:12-13, Deuteronomy 11:19, Ephesians 6:4
4. 1 Timothy 3:12-13
5. Ephesians 5:15-16, Psalm 90:12, Romans 12:2
6. 1 Corinthians 4:2, Matthew 25:21
Image credit: Unsplash, Benjamin Deyoung
